Preface: Why Opening My Marriage Released Tension (Even Without Full-On Sex)

When people hear the phrase “open marriage,” most assume it’s about chasing more sex. But here’s the surprising truth from my own life: since my wife and I opened our marriage, I haven’t actually had “full-on” sex with anyone else. And yet, the shift has been profound. The tension between us — a tension that built up over years around sex, intimacy, and unmet needs — has eased in ways I didn’t expect.

Furthermore, it has given me the freedom to develop The SSTTIM Method for Bisexual and Gay Men.

So why would opening things up relieve pressure even when I’m not out having wild affairs? Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. It Takes the Pressure Off

In a closed marriage, all intimacy and desire is supposed to funnel through one person. That’s a lot of weight to carry — especially when seasons of life (stress, kids, health, libido shifts) mean sex isn’t always easy. By allowing openness, we lifted that pressure. Suddenly sex wasn’t a scarce resource to be rationed, fought over, or withheld.

2. Rejection Loses Its Sting

Before, when one of us said “not tonight,” it carried all kinds of unspoken meaning: rejection, resentment, or unmet needs. In an open marriage, “not tonight” is just that — not a crisis, not a power struggle. The freedom to seek connection elsewhere actually softens those little moments, making them less charged.

3. Safety Still Comes First

Now, here’s the part people often misunderstand: I didn’t fling myself into reckless, unsafe encounters the moment we opened up. I don’t want to put my body or my family at risk. For me, intimacy outside of my marriage is about safe exploration, not danger. It’s about allowing myself connection with others without betraying myself or the people I love.

By choosing carefully, by respecting boundaries, and by prioritizing safety, I’ve been able to release some of the pressure in my marriage without creating new risks. The intimacy I’ve shared with others — even when it hasn’t involved full-on sex — has helped dissolve resentment and restore balance with my wife.

4. It’s Not About Open vs. Closed

An open marriage does carry risks. So does a closed one. Affairs, secrecy, resentment, and imbalance can happen in any structure. The real question isn’t “Is it open or closed?” — it’s “Is there balance, respect, and honesty? Is negative energy being cleared instead of stockpiled?”

For us, opening the marriage was the step that removed the negative energy. For someone else, staying closed might be the healthier path. Neither is inherently right or wrong — what matters is whether the structure fosters respect and connection.

The Bigger Lesson

Opening our marriage didn’t “ruin” us — it gave us room to breathe. It reminded us that intimacy is about connection, not control. Even without “full-on sex” with others, I’ve felt more relaxed, less resentful, and more open with my wife.

Sometimes, the most counterintuitive truth is this: when you stop trying to own every part of your partner, you actually get to enjoy them more.